HOLY SHIT, look at that guy!

All those presents! How many girlfriends does a person need? I wonder if they're real girlfriends or just escorts he's grown friendly with over the course of his life. I wish I had that situation going on. I could if I applied myself. Although I should save my money, not spend it all.
I'll bet he's got one of those fancy 1960's-style bachelor studio apartments with mirrored wallpaper. I should go interview him with a cheap tape recorder and put cocktail music in the background and make an MP3 to upload and distribu- oh right, my cord thing is broken. Never mind.

*SIGH*

All these PEOPLE taking up valuable chairs. Does everyone have the weekend off? Do they ALL work nine to five, Monday to Friday?

Can't you folks go to the beach? Or HIKING or HANG-GLIDING or some other idiotic extreme sport that gets you killed so I can sit down?

WHY DO THEY ALL HAVE TO BE DOING WHAT I WANT TO BE DOING??

They just sit there and goof off and drink and do nothing. Where does their money come from? How come it's me who has to fucking stress out all the time and they get to live their lives in relative comfort? WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?
And they're all drinking the same coffee from the same paper cups wrapped in the same cardboard holders.

REAL ORIGINAL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

If only my company would make java jackets. THAT'S how to get our message delivered to people. Real people, with real e-commerce needs.
And where's my coffee?

Don't I get any?

HELLO, AM I ON THIS PLANET TOO?

ARE WE ALL TOTALLY STONED AND IGNORANT TODAY?