Then, with tremendous fanfare:

I separate the wands at arm's length, proving once and for all they are in no way connected!
This shuts everybody right the fuck up!

The wands continue to function as promised.

There are no magnets or smaller, invisible threads working behind the scenes.
The audience rewards my efforts with delicious applause!

God damn right, you little pieces of shit!

You'd better be grateful. I'm up here busting my ass to enrich your lives.

You're welcome!
ONE GOES UP, AND ONE GOES DOWN!

ONE GOES DOWN, AND ONE GOES UP!

These magical wands have placed me directly at the center of the entire universe!
I feel the continuums of space and time warping, bending like flowers to the bright warm sun of my irresistible presence.

Anything I've ever deserved is now mine for the taking!

The taking!

Would YOU like to learn how to accomplish this incredible effect all by your lonesome?

SPOILERS ahead!