Helium Dreammakers Inc.
3444 Pine Street #200
 Chicago, IL 40812

Attn: Complaints Bureau

Dear Sirs/Madams:

I'm writing today because I recently purchased one of your discontinued catalog items, the Christmas Time Suicide Balloon (product code SB3439).
You'll notice I'm still here, healthy enough to compose this correspondence. How about that? I'm living proof your Suicide Balloon has failed to meet even my lowest expectations.
I'll be the first to admit: I was suckered in by the TV ad which starts by depicting a bunch of kids at a private Christmas rave, presumably on E, excitedly wrapping multicolored ribbons around their necks and executing the latest dance maneuvers.
If I was supposed to identify with these idiots, I guess I failed. I watched with complete disgust, intrigued only by the length of time these images were broadcast around the world at a rate of however many millions of dollars per second per second.